Sorry, not Sorry

The irreparable damage of demanding an apology

Years ago, I learned the most important lesson of my life. I learned to be self-aware.

Through a series of events that are too complex to recount here, I came to understand how to recognize my strengths, my weaknesses, and the many ways my words and actions impact other people.

One of the most important components of that lesson was the realization that I am responsible for how others perceive me. In other words, if someone accuses me of being rude, unkind, inconsiderate, or just an out-and-out asshole, it is because I was rude, unkind, inconsiderate, or an asshole.

Before learning this lesson, I generally responded to such accusations with justifications. The offended party had misunderstood me, taken my words or actions out of context, or assumed intentions I didn’t have. Therefore, the responsibility for the offense was theirs, not mine.

I learned that even if they misunderstood me, the context, or my intentions, it didn’t change the fact that I had been an asshole. Just because I didn’t intend to be an asshole doesn’t absolve me of any responsibility for being an asshole, and it’s not their responsibility to change how they feel based on my justification.

Benjamin Franklin brilliantly expressed the lesson in just seven words: “Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”

This lesson has served me well in too many instances to count. It has helped me quickly overcome small challenges before they become serious by simply saying, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It was rude and unkind, and I hope you can forgive me.” Full stop.

People really appreciate a straightforward, no-nonsense apology. In nearly every case, an apology like that was enough for us to put the issue behind us and move forward without any hard feelings or grudges.

Pride and Principle

Unfortunately, however, most people don’t like giving apologies like that.

Most people are rarely unkind assholes. Very few of us think of ourselves that way. When confronted by someone accusing us of bad behavior, we naturally try to show that we aren’t really an asshole by justifying the offending behavior.

And this is where I get into trouble.

Knowing the value of an honest, straightforward apology, I expect them. When someone ruins an apology with excuses, my pride and my principles get in the way, and I make the mistake of treating it like a non-apology.

An excuse-apology is not the same thing as a non-apology.

A non-apology is when someone says they are sorry for an outcome rather than an action. It’s saying “sorry” without taking responsibility for anything.

Some non-apologies are benign. For example, “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well” is not an apology for someone’s illness. It’s a sympathetic non-apology.

Other non-apologies are aggressive. If someone tells you that you hurt their feelings, saying, “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt,” is not a request for forgiveness. It’s a non-apology that expresses regret for the outcome of your words, not the fact that you said them.

I do not accept aggressive non-apologies. If you offended me and offer a non-apology like “I’m sorry you are offended,” I’m not inclined to move past the offense. If you apologize with, “I’m sorry I offended you,” you took responsibility, so I’m quick to forgive and forget.

An excuse-apology is very different. Too often, I forget that.

I forget that even when someone ruins an apology with an excuse, the apology can still be genuine. Just because someone needs to explain why they said or did the offensive thing or how the offense was unintended doesn’t mean they aren’t genuinely sorry. It doesn’t mean that, like an aggressive non-apology, they deny any responsibility.

When I let my pride and principles get in the way, I treat excuse-apologies like non-apologies. I don’t forgive. I don’t move past it. I demand a straightforward apology in which the offender takes full responsibility for offending me. Of course, even if I receive the apology I want, the relationship breaks down because I never listened to the other person.

I walk away smug, secure in knowing they took responsibility for their words and actions. They walk away resentful and angry, feeling like they were forced to surrender unconditionally.

Never have to hear “I’m sorry”

Today, I’m trying to learn new lessons by practicing Stoicism. One of the most important lessons is that being personally offended is usually just about one’s ego. (Being socially offended by things like racism or sexism is very different.)

I recently forgot that lesson and irreparably damaged a valued friendship by letting my ego control my behavior. Someone I care about did and said some unkind things, so I wanted them to know they hurt me. The more they tried to explain, the more offended I became, and the more I demanded a perfect apology.

Naturally, I got the apology I wanted. But I lost my friend.

It’s been a hard lesson to learn. It would have been so easy to let the unkind words go and believe that my friend didn’t want to hurt me. Even if I failed to do that, I could have accepted the excuse-apology and moved on.

But no, my ego got in the way.

There are many more lessons I must learn before I leave this world. I hope the ones to come never cost what this one has.